As of late I have been reading and thinking on the book of Philippians. Specifically, chapter 4. My life verse is Phil. 4:13, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I have been trying to hang onto this verse throughout my life, but especially these last few months. The last month has been particularly difficult. Every day I doubt whether or not I can do this. I am tired. So tired of cleaning everything. So tired of living out of Ziploc bags. So tired of looking (and finding) these horrible little beasts.
But today as I was reading chapter 4, verses 11 and 12 spoke to me. "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Did Paul deal with bedbugs? I am SO not content in this entire situation. I am confused, angry, hurt, frustrated...everything but content. And I certainly haven't learned the secret to being content in this situation. How does one do that? What does being content look like in a situation like this? Am I suppose to merrily smile and cheerfully look for bedbugs and praise God for them? I am so confused. I dread each day. I know I am suppose to "rejoice and be glad in it" (Ps. 118:24), but how do I do that?
We have now been dealing with bedbugs for 36 days. Each day the doubt gets stronger. Doubt that this situation will ever get better. Doubt that the bugs will one day be gone. Doubt that God is even hearing my plea for relief. Everyday I cry out and yet the answer (the one I want) does not come. Tonight we found four more bugs. One was on a Home Depot apron that Daniel was wearing at the time. WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END? I know Satan is attacking. I know he desires this doubt. He wants me to doubt that God can do anything about this situation. My head knows, but my heart is hurting and wanting desperately wanting relief. I need sleep. I need exercise. I need our normal life back. I want to be able to concentrate on ministry without wondering how many creatures are getting through because I am not there to catch them. I want homeschooling to be fun again and not stressed because we have missed so many days and maybe won't complete 180 days by June 30th. How do I walk in faith, without doubt? How did Paul do it?